A Reflection on 2020
The Year of Self-Doubt
Nearly a year ago, the COVID-19 pandemic struck the earth like a lightning bolt—unexpected, intense, and destructive. After being sent home from work like so many others, I had much free time but nothing to occupy my mind. I launched an art business thinking that nothing would come of it, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. What did I have to lose, but at the same time, what would I create? Would I be able to paint anything at all? Pushing through the doubt, I picked up my brushes (after nearly 3 years of lying dormant), acrylics, and sat down to a blank canvas.
I popped open my laptop and went to YouTube for inspiration. I was drawn to Bob Ross’s “The Joy of Painting” series. Who better than Bob Ross to guide me back to the painting process and inspire me to create something magnificent? (Whether I would think it was or not.) After all, Bob said it best: “We don’t make mistakes—we just have happy accidents.”
My rendition of At Dawn's Light by Bob Ross - “The Joy of Painting”, 1991
Voila! I thought. Not too shabby for a quick step-by-step painting. I couldn’t help but wonder what I could do by myself—unguided, unrestrained, and left to my own devices. I felt alone, nervous, and anxious about what I would create in the future. Would I be able to create something better than this? What would other people think?
I spend a lot of my time thinking, feeling, and trying to express myself. I also spend a lot of time wondering whether my art is “good enough”. I feel especially vulnerable in my art, as I feel like art reflects the artist and the world they personally experience. Art tells a story, and all realities should be valid, seen, and appreciated. What if my story didn’t matter? I decided to push through those nagging thoughts about failure. If I don’t try, I can’t fail, but failing is better than bottling up one’s creativity. I am a natural-born artist. I can feel it in my soul. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s true.
Speaking of sound, music is a big part of my creative process. I use music not only to calm me down and break the silence, but to inspire me to create. My speakers are typically blasting artists such as Queen, David Bowie, Michael Jackson, Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin— the list goes on! One of the main songs that has heavily influenced my art is “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen. It motivates me even after a hard day at work or behind the easel and reminds me that I shouldn’t hinder myself from doing what I love. And so, my first portrait was born in honor of the man who’s serenaded me through this painting and so many more.
Freddie Mercury by Claire Duhe, 2020
Freddie Mercury was the first portrait painting I ever attempted. Before painting, which I only dabbled in here and there, I used graphite and charcoal to render my subjects. This technique was new, unfamiliar, and slightly overwhelming. Nevertheless, I persisted.
My process is always developing as I find new ways to reach my goals. I find my subject matter online, usually through Google Images or stock photos. I open the photo in Adobe Photoshop to create a mock-up of what I want the painting to look like once complete. The next part is the hardest: transferring my mock-up to the canvas or primed panel. (There will be a blog post about the detailed process soon, so stay tuned!)
Not all work matches the mock-up. Sometimes, this is to my benefit. I’m hesitant to post these photos, but I hope it inspires other artists to not give up throughout their own processes. Are you ready, Freddie? The first image is the background I had created, with Freddie Photoshopped on top for placement. I thought I may be able to do a realistic portrait now— skin tone and all! Wow, was I wrong, I thought as I worked past the underpainting. I decided the background didn’t quite fit the look I was going for, so I scrapped that, too. Scroll through to see how Mr. Fahrenheit was created.
Mr. Fahrenheit by Claire Duhe, 2020
To me, seeing my work come to life is one of the greatest feelings in the world. A finished product makes me feel accomplished, capable, and determined. My mental health relies heavily on my ability to create, and I’m sure many artists, musicians, and creatives can relate. Art has gotten me through the worst of COVID-19, and I hope you were able to find something that did the same for you.
So, to all my friends, family, and those I’ve yet to meet, remember to stay positive even when you feel like giving up. Leave it all behind in 2020: The Year of Self-Doubt. However, if you truly feel hopeless, alone, anxious, or depressed to the point of giving up, please call the SAMHSA National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-TALK, and remember that I care about each and every one of you.
Until next time,
Claire